The IVF momma

I met my sweet husband when I was 19 years old. We spent almost everyday together since the day we met. When we got married at 25 and 26, I immediately wanted a baby. He convinced me to slow down. After 1.5 years of marriage we abandoned all forms of contraception, excited to grow our little family and nothing. How could this be? We were young, healthy, physically active, intelligent people and we could not figure out how to reproduce! After about 9 months, I convinced him to seek answers with me through a reproductive endocrinologist consult.

I was dismissed! The physician told me "You are young and healthy. Just keep trying and come back at 30". This was unacceptable to me as I felt deep down that something was not right. We did cycle tracking for the next three months and nothing. I went back and demanded an evaluation: blood work- good, hysterosalpingogram- incredibly painful but good, US- tech tells me I have a suspicious mass on my left ovary. I responded "like cancerous kind of suspicious?" She responded with "I'm not supposed to say but yes". I went nuts. Here I am in this office of despair being told I might have cancer and no one could understand why I was making a scene and demanding to see the doctor. Good news- not cancer. Bad news- still incredibly dismissive physician without answers.

We moved and I started my MSN but I still felt this void. I was now 28 and knew something was not right. I sought answers again through a different clinic. The mass turned out to be an endometrioma and I obtained the diagnosis of endometriosis. I was poked, prodded, questioned, and felt down right violated during the diagnostic phase. You guys want to hear how unfair womanhood can bed? My husband's testing consisted of a plush leather chair and unlimited porn while a gorgeous tech handed him a cup for a sample, which of course came back perfect.

Great. This is all my fault. I am the reason we cannot have children. The ugly thoughts surged through me. We developed a plan with our reproductive endocrinologist. Clomid and timed intercourse x3. You know how to strip a marriage of all romance and spontaneity? Pee on a stick and when you get the smiley phase it is time to perform. It was awful. My husband would be lying right next to me and for the first time in 9 years I felt so far away from him. Our marriage was suffering. I wanted this so badly.

Now I am feeling that it is not only my fault we are struggling to grow our family but it is now also my fault that my marriage was rocky. IUI x2. This is artificial insemination. It is also crazy expensive. As we were going through our infertility process, I was the insurance carrier at a Catholic Hospital and IVF was beyond tabu and not covered by insurance. I was now working 64+ hours a week and becoming increasingly exhausted.

Through my exhaustion and frustration an ugly part of me was born that I did not know existed. I was hateful. I judged mothers that had a different walk of life and be filled with rage when I felt I could provide a better life for that child. I hated that part of me the worse. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I felt less than woman. I felt like I failed at the one thing my body was literally designed to do. I cried. I screamed. I cursed the process. When I was not at work I struggled to get off the couch. I was falling behind in my classes for my MSN. My marriage was the most strained it had ever been. I struggled to look my husband in the eyes and we fought constantly. I drank daily. I would go and sit in that office a few times a week for blood work and ultrasounds and look at the eyes of all the women in there. Were they as broken me? Did they feel as defeated as I did?

IVF. We decided on IVF. We had already invested about $6,000 into the process and needed to come up with $20,000 more plus about 3,000 for medications. Not only did I feel less than woman, like I had ruined my marriage but now was ruining our financials. I cried. I worked. I cried more. We took out a loan against my retirement and my parents graciously gifted us $3,000 for the first round of medications.

The medications came in a box through the mail. I would give myself 4-5 injections daily. I reconstituted the medications, carefully measuring each drop. I was bruised and even more emotional than I previously was. On top of it, no one warns you that you look about 6 months pregnant leading up to the egg retrieval. Awesome. Now I lost my great body on top of it. I had nothing left in me. I was repulsed by what I saw in the mirror, both internal and external disgusted me. My husband was doing his best to be supportive but he did not feel IVF and really the fertility process in general was healthy for me and wanted me to stop. I interpreted it as he did not want kids with me. That he no longer wanted me. He was so worried about my physical and mental health but I could not see that at the time. I told him to just go and leave me. Our marriage was falling apart.

IVF is crazy how it works. Daily blood work and ultrasounds and then one day the stars align and you are directed to the surgery center for the egg retrieval. You have no life going through IVF because when you are told to go, you go! We drove the 2.5 hours to the surgery center in Baltimore and did our egg retrieval. Egg retrieval- not something to youtube prior to going. Essentially a giant needle aspirates the eggs from your ovaries through your vaginal wall. Talk about trusting your medical team- you are butt naked, placed in stirrups and lights out! I have never felt so vulnerable. In fact I woke up screaming and fighting and needed to be sedated after. The story behind that is a story for another time.

They got 11 eggs and I felt my first glimmer of hope. Over the next five days I got daily updates. 9 eggs fertilized, 3 stopped growing by day 3. I was left with 6 perfect embryos. I was asked if I wanted to select the one that would be used for transfer. I chose to have the medical team choose. I couldn't take anything else being on my shoulders. The cool part about the transfer was being able to watch the embryo being dropped into the part of the uterus that the team felt was the healthiest for optimal attachment. I ate pineapples (including the core!), drank warm water and always had wool socks on my feet. I was following Eastern medicine to boost the chances of a sticky baby in the attempt to have some form of control. I waited. Day 10 I tested. It was early. I wasn't optimistic. I sat in the bathroom waiting. I vomited from nerves and anxiety. 10 seconds, 20 seconds, 30 seconds, is that a faint pink line? 60 second. I AM PREGNANT!

I heard my husband come home. I planned a whole cute way to share the news but I ran out of the bathroom, clinging tightly to the stick I peed on just a few minutes prior. We did it! We did it! I was laughing, crying, trembling in his arms, clutching that nasty pee stick while he held me tightly and for the first time in a long time I felt close to him

. The next 13 weeks I had weekly ultrasounds and blood work. He was growing and healthy. I was so sick and so so happy.

That little embryo grew into my tall, energetic, hilarious, wild hurricane Troy. He will be 4 in January and also finally be paid off. For my IVF mommas, I see you. The heartbreak, frustrations, uncertainty, guilt, shame. I feel it with you and you are not alone. In your darkest moments please know you are absolutely not alone. A whole lot of love and a little bit of science. An unconventional but an incredibly intentional journey to motherhood. I am an IVF momma.