Maternity leave is over...

I promised when starting this blog I was going to show the raw side of motherhood and that includes all the emotions. Today was my first day back to work after being home with H for the past 9 weeks. I feel like I am swinging, back and forth, on the emotional swing. I went from excitement to be returning to a job I love to breaking down into ugly tears at the thought of leaving my precious daughter, and this was last night when she was still in my arms. This morning I got up at 6am to mentally prepare for the day. I did great! I was running around the house trying to do all the things before my first day. Lunches packed, teeth brushed, I remembered my son had class pictures. I even applied mascara to deter me from the big ugly tears. Spoiler alert: I still cried the big ugly tears but I am happy to report my water proof mascara (ok, so I was not 100% confident in my plan) did not run!

I dropped the toddlers off in their respective rooms. This greatly confused T as he asked why we did not all take H to her first day. I tried so hard not to cry and my voice was shaking. How do I explain to my 3.5 year old that I am not ready to drop off my infant and be away from her? How do I possibly explain the soul crushing power of mom guilt? I successfully completed the drop off, rattling through the rough routine of a 9 week old. I even tried to explain what the different pitches in her cries meant since she has the communication skills of an alarm clock. I went to say good bye and it happened- the ugly tears. I rushed from the building, trying to hide my tears from the other moms. I did not want to be the weak mom. I am nurse leader in a huge organization. I am an ER nurse leader at that and therefore I must be a tough badass. I did not want to be judged. I did not want to be viewed as weak leader or worse, a bad mom. There I sat in my car outside of the school, totally alone bawling like a baby.

The wave of crushing mom guilt rushed over me. Selfish. Terrible mother. You could of taken more time (I seriously have the most amazing boss) but you chose to leave her. I berated myself. I was down right ugly to myself. As I drove, with the windows down listening to my morning pump up play list, it hit me. I can be both excited for work and sad to leave my infant. I can chose to return to work at 9 weeks and still be a good mom. It does not have to be one or the other but it was up to me to convince myself of this as society says differently.

Mommas we have to stop beating ourselves up. You guys, we are so mean to ourselves! It is ok to love our careers and our babies at the same. Having a career we love does not define us as bad moms and being moms does not mean we are unambitious or dedication employees. I feel once we start allowing ourselves to be present at work when at work and present at home when at home without feeling guilty, we are one step closer to eliminating "mom guilt".

I can't tell you how uncomfortable posting a picture of me crying my eyes out makes me but I feel it is important because this is the reality for so many. IT IS OK! This does not make me weak. Vulnerable- yup but that is ok because mommas supporting mommas is what this is all about.

#thismessymombun #workingmom #maternityleaveisover #banishmomguilt #Iamagoodmom